Jokes Thread!! @%$&*#~@

thats mean, anyway i got some more. I dont bother editing, too hard.
Blondie joke
a blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
 
There was this slide that as you went down it you said something and you would land in a pile of what ever it is you said so anyhoo this blonde, brunet and red head all lined up to go on the slide

The brunet said 'MONEEEYY!!' as it slid down and she landed in a pile of money

The red head said 'GOOLLDD!!!' as it slid down and she landed in a pile of gold

The Blonde begins to slide down and said 'WWWWEEEEEEEEEEE!!'...
 
I apologize in advance to anyone offended in this joke

there are 2 guys having lunch and it's the week before valentines day and the first guy says: hey, what are ya gettin your wife for valentines day? and the second guy says: chocaltes and a vibrator. the first guy asks: why the vibrator? and the second guy says: if she doesn't like the chocaltes she can F#*K herself.
 
How to Beat a Speeding Ticket...

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!:lol: :lol:

​
 
this IS NOT actually attacking "stupid blondes" and making fun of them, its just a joke

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken every
single bone in her body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor.
The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!" She then touches her leg with
her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then she touches her arm and yells
"Eeeeoooow!" Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her
composure as the tears start to roll down her face. She says, "See, I told
you I broke every bone in my body."
The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, miss,"
he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is,
you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've broken
your finger."
 
----Warning, offensive and disturbing jokes inbound... YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!----

An elephant walks into a bar. And upon enterring the bar the pianist begins a new song. It's a very slow, almost depressing song about a lost love. The pianist plays the sorroful melody, gliding up and down the keys on the piano, while tunefully-wailing the sad story of how he and his love could never be. The elephant walks a few feet into the bar, then bursts into tears at the song. The pianist also begins to weep during playing, and eventually finishes the song.

"Did you relate to the song my friend?" Asked the pianist, whiping a tear from his eye.

"No..." cried the elephant, and pointed at the piano. "I recognise the ivory."

-

In the same bar, an Irish man known as Stuart walks into the bar. He's relatively short, but bulky in stature, you wouldn't want to mess with him.

"Can I have three pints m'boy!" He chuckles cheerfully to the bartender.
"But ofcourse sir! But... may I ask why you want THREE?"
"Ah yes! Well see, I'm one of triplets, and my other brothers live in America and Australia. And on this day of the year, it is our birthdays, and we made a pack to go to the local waterhole on our birthday and drink a pint to ourselves and to our two brothers health!"

"Oh I must say," replied the bartender, "that's a very thoughtful act. Very thoughtful!" And with that, the bartender poured three pints for Stuart, who drank them all down, and recieved a happy birthday song from the pianist (the elephant tried to sing too but burst out into tears when the pianist began to play). A whole year later, Stuart once again arrives into the bar, and is greeted with a warm "Happy Birthday!" from his friends there.

"Three pints is it, Stuart?" Enquires the bartender with a grin.
"Aye! Three pints!" Chuckles Stuart. And the same night as of a year before takes place. Again with the elephant tears.

Then another year passes, and Stuart doesn't fail to attend the bar for his traditional ritual. "Ah!! Stuart! Happy Birthday m'boy! Three pints I gather?"

"No..." replies Stuart, "I'll... only be having two pints tonight..."

The whole bar falls deathly silent, then the utter of "Oh my..." and "Oh that's terrible..." begins to float around the room.

"Oh... Oh Stuart I'm so, SO sorry..." says the bartender, "I... I'll go get your two pints." And so proceeds in getting two pints, almost sheading tears of guilt for what he just said.

Stuart mournfully drinks the two beers in silence, and everyone else falls silent aswell.

"So..." the bartender picks up his courage, "So... What happenned? I must ask..."

"It's alright... I..." weeps Stuart... "... I'm on anti-biotics."

-

And then... In the SAME bar about another year later, another newcommer attends. Stuart is back on his regular three pints, and the elephant is crying to the songs lulling the bar. This new fellow walks up to the bar and says "Hey man, can I have a pint for me and a pint for my buddy?"

"Absolutely, do you want me to wait for your buddy to get here first?"
"Oh, no no, he's right here, in my pocket." And with that, the man reaches into his pocket and reveals a little man that is no larger than his thumb.

In sheer awe the bartender looks at the little man and says "Amazing!! Is it a model? Does it walk?"

"Oh, tis no model!" He says, "He's my best friend, and yes he can walk, show him Tim!"

And with that, the little man Tim walks along the table, with the bartender in disbelief.

"That's incredible!!! Does he talk?"

"Ahaha! Talk?! Ofcourse, hey Tim... Tell him about the time we were in africa and you called that witch doctor a tw@t!"
 
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Some Funny Questions

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why
aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would
be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards
is Naive?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does
that mean the fifth one enjoys it?​
 
i Got A Crapload That I Got Off E-Mail...

I knew a person that was so stupid that.......

she called me to get my phone number.


she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said
"concentrate." she put lipstick on her forehead because she
wanted to make up her mind. she tried to put M&M's in
alphabetical order. she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. she tried
to drown a fish. she thought a quarterback was a refund. she got
locked in a grocery store and starved to death. she tripped over a
cordless phone. she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. she studied for a
blood test. she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. when she heard
that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. when she
missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. when she took
you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned
around and went home...

Fun Things To Do On An Elevator!
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough
air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act
embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got
new socks on!"
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
Play the harmonica.
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers that this is your "personal space."
Bring a chair along.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"


I'll FInd SOme More!
 
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